A conversation with my conscience..

Why do we act like we deserved everything we have and some things we don't have ? Why is that we are never satisfied with what we have and always want more ? Why is that when our problems get solved, we always find new problems to entertain ourselves with ? Going to my time in chennai, waiting for the "call for my visa". At first, I thought it was a matter of days, before the call would be made. I was waiting every day for that all important e-mail. It didn't come. Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. The hardest part about this was that it was difficult to meet people without them asking you the question. Although I realized that it was difficult for a conversation to happen without that question popping up, slowly, I grew tired of answering that question. Only because the answer was the same everytime and I had no control over how long it would take. I felt handicapped, in that, I could not do what I loved most..meeting people. I did not want to walk in the street before dark, because I was afraid that somebody would see me, come up to me and say "why are you still here ? ". Although a lot of the people I am sure only wished me well, it was hard for me to talk to them as freely as I used to. I tried to project an image like I was enjoying the time with my relatives, when in fact, I was struggling deep down and they sensed it.

I sat down and thought if I would have done anything different given another chance at the visa office ? Contrary to sayee's depictions on stage, I didn't give super smart answers when asked about my project. I just told him what I knew. Somehow the visa officer felt it was necessary to give it another check, owing to all the added security from 9/11. The answer came out loud and clear..No. I wouldn;t have done anything different. Does this mean that I deserved it the first time I got my visa? Again the answer was clear..No. I didn't. So what is it that we have/had that we did deserve ?

During that period, my Manni would ask me to visit different temples in madras to help me get through this and she'd say "Poi vendikko, kandippa visa kedaikkum". Among the list of the temples, was a "Visa Aanjaneyar" temple. Funny how, even the temples get categorized "utility" wise. In time, we might even see temples like "Viral suththi" Pillayaar temples and "Dote 1" Agasthyar temples. And I did what people asked me to do. Go to temples. But when I had to pray and ask god to make the "visa e-mail" happen, something stopped me. That question always bothered me.When I looked at all those little boys, waiting in line to get the kovil prasaadam to fill their stomach with, I realized that I could have turned out like one of them. So easily ! What did I do differently to deserve all the comforts that have been showered on me ? What did I do to deserve good parents ? What did I do to deserve good education ? Good health and no physical handicap ? I didnt do a thing ! And when I was here to ask him for the Visa, did I thank him for the engineering degree I got ? For the college admission ? For doing well in the 12 th std ? Oh no, those were long forgotten ! And is there any promise I might change this behavior and act "content"? No ! How opportunistic ! So, I did not infact ask for the visa (but ofcourse heart of hearts I was craving for it which is tantamount to asking for it I guess). But God being God, gave it to me anyway. When we face adversities, there are lessons to be learnt. Did I learn my lesson ? We'll know soon enough..

"Naayagan melirundhu noolinai aatugindraan
Naamellam bommai endru naadagam kaattugindraan"