Empty thoughts and mutterings

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Ennavale..

This is my first attempt at a short story ! Your comments will be greatly appreciated.

Vinay: A none too complicated person. Does what is expected out of him. Never a straight A’s guy. But never misses out on the B’s. Loves to play tennis and sings in his prestigious college music band. Has completed his B.E in Comp. Sc and is in the US for an M.S because all his friends thought this was Promise land. Enjoys having a beer with his friends after a hard day of work and tennis. Has a wonderful sense of humor !

Priyamvadha (Priya): Is a fun loving bubbly girl. Was in Chennai till 10 th grade. Later moved to the US because her Dad was posted in the US. Never completely made the transition. Tried going back to India to college, to see if that was what she was missing.. No. She missed her parents, sister and her new American friends more. Came running back in 6 months. Also posesses a great sense of humor.

Vinay was never a chat person and he thought it was an uncool habit. He had seen so many of his friends’ lives take big turns for the worse and he wasn’t ready to follow suit. But he was told there was a Boris Becker chat room in IRC, where BB himself came to talk to his fans once in a while. Now, that, he couldn’t pass up. That’s where he met her. It all started casually. No names were exchanged as was the culture. Some “trust” had to be built before all that. Vinay didn’t care for her name anyway. He wasn’t going to see her the next day on anyway, or so he thought. He came back the next day, just to take a peek. And she was there. And they talked again. Vinay didn’t realize this would turn into a habit. And in a matter of weeks, he was logging in between classes to see if she was online. They knew each other’s names, likes, dislikes, hobbies and all the basic stuff. Vinay liked it that she was a Becker fan, and that she knew more about Becker than he did. He loved it that she remembered the same little things in inconsequential matches that he thought only he had bothered to notice and remember.

Priya liked Vinay too. He was simple. Very trusting and very trustworthy, she thought. She never envisioned herself as a chat person too. That’s for losers she used to think. There was something missing from her life though. She had a bunch of sweet friends from high school. They hung out every once in a while. Went to parties, sleep overs. She had some good college buddies too now that she played tennis with, went to movies with. “I have a good life” she told herself in a consoling tone. But a wry involuntary smile often followed that statement. She didn’t know why. Something was missing. All of my friends like me, they enjoy my company. But they don’t know me. They like what they see of me. But they don’t see the whole me. I wish somebody did, she thought. “Is it because I don’t have a boy friend ?” she asked herself. But that wasn’t it too. A lot of good looking guys wanted to go out with her. But she wanted to go out with a guy, she could “relate to”. Now, what that “relating to” meant, she wasn’t sure.

She liked talking to Vinay. It had become clear to her that he didn’t want what every other guy in the chat room seemed to want. She would normally be very cautious when it came to divulging personal information online. But Vinay didn’t take a long time to make her feel comfortable and throw all her concerns about “Guys on the Internet” out of the window. Also, he sounded genuine. There was nothing made up or exaggerated about him. And more importantly, he had a lot of time for her. When she had a bad day, or a tired day, or even a good day, he seemed to be online and waiting to listen to it. He seemed to know just the right thing to say to every situation. As for Vinay, he was slowly getting addicted to talking to her. He spent lesser and lesser time with his friends and room mates. He didn’t know what exactly was so special about her. Was it her sense of humor? Was it because she was very sweet to him? He really didn’t have an answer. But he knew one thing for sure. The days she left her dorm to be with her parents, those were the dull days in his life! He’d wait tirelessly for her to come back.

A few weeks had passed and he had gotten her phone number because that seemed to be the logical thing to do. He was afraid to call because the mechanics of a phone conversation was different from a chat room’s. He knew that she had built a lot of respect for him and his opinion over the weeks and he didn’t want to spoil that. She had been his recreation.. his entertainment… for the past few weeks and he didn’t want one phone call to end it. “But what about her?” he thought. “What if she’s not like how she was on chat?” …”Naaah, she’d be the same sweet girl, I know it” and he quickly dismissed the idea. And so he called at 7.15 pm. He promised that he’d call at 7.00. But he didn’t want to seem anxious. To him, the “fashionably late” concept applied here too. And he was right. She was the same sweet girl. And what’s more, she made him feel comfortable too. The initial nervousness frittered away and he was himself very soon. After a 20 minute conversation, she hung up and promised to call during the weekend. That night as he lay in bed, he thought, “Hopefully she doesn’t think I sounded nervous” “Did I sound too anxious ?” “Was my tone different from what she’s used to ?”. And after a lot of analysis, he realized ” Man, why am I thinking about her so much? I never used to worry about what people thought about me. That’s just not my style. Something’s getting into me”. Right he was once again. Something was getting into him!

Priya hated people who drank alcohol. Her dad had consumed way more alcohol than he should have and she found the habit disgusting. Cool people don't drink, she thought. Vinay is cool too. But he drinks. She wanted to get him to stop. She promised to herself that she'd try. A typical friday evening chat conversation would go like this:

P: Innikku evening enna da panna pora ?

V: Onnum perisa ille. As usual. Friends oda BW3.

P: Enna beeer a ?

V: Amaam. Konjamaa.

P: Hey enakkaga innikku beer adikkaadhe da.

V: Adheppadi mudiyum priya. Pasanga ellam irupaanga.

P: Hmmm. Seri oru beer oda niruthikkanum. Okay va ?

V: Oru beer a. Adheppadi paththum priya.

P: Please da. "Enakkaaga"

V: Seri. try panren.

That night true to his promise, Vinay would stop with one beer. He would fake a cold much to his friends' confusion and irritation.

Soon the phone conversations increased in frequency. At first it was about once a week. To priya, his phone call was always a little different from everybody else’s. She wasn’t ready to categorize it as “special” just yet. But it was definitely not normal and she knew it. When she heard her room phone ring, she’d spring up from her bed hoping it’d be him. “He’s nicer on the phone than he is in the chat room” she thought. Somehow she felt it was easier to tell him things that she couldn’t tell anybody else. Because he always understood. And he always knew what exactly to say in return. “He’s so in-sync with my mind” she thought. That night as she lay in bed, she thought, “Hmmm, funny. The sad forlorn person in me has been missing for a while now. Is it him ? Did he open the doors ? Is this the person that completes me ?”. Or is it a temporary cloud ?

A few more weeks passed. Vinay and priya now acknowledged openly that they were close friends. Priya called Vinay for little things that she needed. And Vinay liked it that Priya depended on him more now. He enjoyed being that banking shoulder. Priya opened up more about her life to him and talked about her general theories of every day living. Some of these theories didn’t match up well with Vinay’s own. But he often underplayed the differences, and over played the similarities. Or that’s how he projected it to priya. And to himself. Before they knew it, their conversations were getting well into the nights. And they had started to become very close. “Hey, you sing right ? Oru paattu paaden please” she’d ask. “Phone laya ? No way…” he’d say. “Enakkaaga paaden please” she’d beg. “I’ve never sung on the phone for anyone in my life” he’d say. He hated it when people asked him to sing. Even in a gathering. He always felt shy. When a situation arose, he’d feign a cough or a fever and escape. “Enakkaaaga” she begged one more time. His heart melted every time she said “enakkaaga”. And so he gave in.

“Ennavale, adi ennavale, yen idhayathai tholaithu vitten
Endha idam adhu tholaindha idam andha edathayum marandhu vitten
Undhan kaal golusil…”

From that day on, he sang a song to her every night. She wouldn’t hang up otherwise.

His room mates Subodh and Nari had become suspicious of his activity and sensed that their infallible buddy had fallen prey. They kept asking him “Enna da, maattikitte pola irukke” And he’d say “ille machi, nalla friends avlo dhaan”. But both Nari and Subodh knew, that something in vinay had changed. Was it for his good ? They weren’t sure”.

Priya’s long awaited tennis tournament in abu dhabi was coming up. She had been given the wild card to play in the singles event. This was going to be the make or break tournament in her tennis career. However the trip or the stay was not funded by the tournament sponsors. Priya had toiled hard with the university to help her with the travel expenses. But she still needed a place to stay in abu dhabi. The hotels for 10 days would come out to be very expensive. She had to find somebody that could house her for a week. Vinay knew that Nari’s parents lived in Abu Dhabi and would be happy to host her. “But Nari’s a flirtatious guy. What if he …..?” he started to think. “No, No, don’t be silly, you know priya too well for that, shut up” he said to himself, almost guilty that he had these thoughts. . And so the next time he spoke to priya, he mentioned to her that Nari might be able to help her. She was excited and extremely thankful. The arrangements were done. “Can I talk to Nari” she asked. “Sure, here ..330-376-2427, this is his number, call him” said vinay.

After 10 long days of waiting, Priya comes back home fro Abu Dhabi. Vinay had called her but she was too sleepy. So he said he’d call back the next morning. Subodh asked Vinay during dinner, if he knew what happened to her tournament. Vinay said “No, not yet, she’s sleeping, haven’t talked to her yet, will call her tomorrow”. In the mean time Nari quips casually “She lost in the 4 th round to the eventual champion. She called me like an hour back”. Vinay’s heart stopped for a second. He looked at Nari surprised. He was hurt for a few minutes, but he sat down, thought about it, gave the benefit of the doubt to circumstances and moved on.

Priya took a few days to recover from her arduous journey. Vinay had realized in the 10 days that he did really like her and life without her was miserable. The 10 days helped him understand how special this relationship was to him and he was now determined to make more out of the relationship than he had originally planned for. So he was waiting for her to return. Priya’s tiredness and jet lag severely limited vinay’s phone time with her.Involuntarily he had started to monitor Nari’s phone calls. He thought he had heard a girl’s voice at the other end a couple of these times. “But Nari rarely speaks to girls on the phone. What if..”. he thought. “Don’t be paranoid” told his inner self. He was even tempted to pick up Nari’s phone in his absence and look at the phone log. He stopped himself just in time. One of those days, Priya had increased his suspicion, when they were on the phone. She had said “It’a nari on the other line. Can I call you back”. Vinay did not know how to react. “He managed “Okay…..sure” and hung up. He tried to treat every suspicious instance like it was going to be the last. But heart of hearts, he knew that wasn’t the case.

He decided that he was going to tell her how he felt about her. He knew that it may not be the solution. But he had to do this. For him. He had started to feel miserable and he could not put his mind on anything he was doing. And this was his only way out. “Funny how when you’re in a mess, the wrong way out is often your only way out” he thought. He knew heart of hearts that this was a losing effort, but he still became ready for it. And so he called her and told her that he needed to talk to her about something important and asked her what would be a good time. “We can talk now da chellam” he hoped she’d say, as she usually did, before Abu Dhabi. Instead it was “How about 9.15”. He said “Okay I’ll call then” and hung up. So he went to his lab (so he could talk to her in privacy) and called her form there at 9.15. They had barely started to talk when she got another call, and told him “hey, it’s from another friend, can I call you back da”. He said “Fine”. He was very disappointed with her, because he had mentioned to her how important this was. But he hung up and waited for her call. 2 hours had passed and no signs of a call yet. So he tried calling her, She wouldn’t pick up. He was so determined to clean his heart out today, that it didn’t matter how long it was going to take. He was going to wait and finish this right here. Right now !

1 AM. 2.00 AM. 3.00 AM….no response. Did she fall asleep ? No. If she had, I would have gotten her room’s voice mail. She was on the phone. At 4.30 Am, after giving up all hopes, Vinay started his slow walk back home. On reaching home, he saw Nari’s room lit. He made a connection there. But his love for Priya, would not allow him to convict her yet. So he walked up to the door, and just before he knocked, put his ear to the door and listened….

He heard Nari’s muffled voice.

Nari: ille ma, innum thookkam varale. Onakku varale ?

Other side: ………………………………….

Nari: Inge ellarum thoongiyaachu. In fact indha country laye ellarum thoongiyaachu. Neeeyum naanum mattum dhaan da priya kutti.

Vinay was distraught ! But he still wanted to make sure he had heard it right. Did he say “Priya kutti” or was it something else ?

Nari: Paatta, enakku adhellam paada varaadhe priya kutti.

This time it was clear. Vinay held his forehead. He thought he was going to Burst into flames ! This was the worst moment in his life.

Nari: Seri enna paattu sollu….

Other side: ……………………..

Nari: Hmmm….naan seriya paada maatten, irundhaalum nee kekkaraye nu try panren

“Ennavale adi ennavale yen idhayathai tholaithu vitten
Endha idam adhu tholaindha edam andha edathayum marandhu vitten”

50 Comments:

  • I liked it, especially,

    1. The ending and The ennavale connection!

    2. This line: “Funny how when you’re in a mess, the wrong way out is often your only way out”

    But, I am not able to guess what made Priya change her mind?

    By Blogger RS, at 4:54 PM  

  • hmm.. nice story dude ! reminded me of some old times..:) *ahem*

    RS sonna madhiri #2... very true...

    short story ezhudharennu oru kuroopa thaan thiriyireenga pola irukke ?? ;)

    By Blogger Zeppelin, at 5:39 PM  

  • Dinesh,
    I found the ending abrupt. Like RS said, why did Priya change her mind? :)

    By Blogger Subha, at 6:16 AM  

  • dins,

    do you have a "closing statement" in mind for RS/Subha's questions ?

    or are you thinking like me.. "she changed her mind..period. who cares why !" :)

    By Blogger Zeppelin, at 7:35 AM  

  • Okay, Let me answer the question to the best of my knowldge:

    Priya's interest in Vinay had gradually reduced. Vinay helped her get rid of her loneliness.

    "Did he open the doors ? Is this the person that completes me ?”. Or is it a temporary cloud ?

    Just like the 10 days had made Vinay realize that he needed Priya in his life in a higher capacity, priya realized that vinay was only a temporary interest and nothing more. And also, she met this other interesting guy called Nari. Vinay was great. But the novelty wore down ! Nari's the new focus now. Maybe the novelty will wear down there too ? As a matter of fact, it did...there too ! :)

    By Blogger dinesh, at 7:45 AM  

  • Nice One Dinesh, Keep them coming.

    Experince-la ezhudina madhiri iruku :).

    Keep them comin'

    By Blogger ashokla, at 8:47 AM  

  • Hey Dinesh,

    That was grand dude! I wish i could write one like this.

    ennavale connection sema professional touch.

    Indha irony sujatha short stories la easya varum...

    Aprom andha line as RS has mentioned, profound!

    But naan andha Priya character yen manasu marichu nu ellam kekka maaten.
    its after all a short story.

    "Manasu marichu, avlo dhaan" is fair enough to me

    :)

    By Blogger Prabu Karthik, at 10:11 AM  

  • Thoroughly enjoyed the story dude. Would never wanna be in Vinay's shoes.

    By Blogger subramoni, at 10:45 AM  

  • Based on dinesh's new explanation, I would say its good Priya ditched Vinay, lets say quickly. Its more foolish being in Nari's situation, who probably just got played.

    By Blogger kamal, at 12:29 PM  

  • Hey - sounds really good. But as ashokla said - experience-la irunthu ezhludina madhiri irukku!

    Anywayz, yaaru-nu teriyida?

    Nice story!

    By Blogger Suganya, at 1:39 PM  

  • I like the story, Din...only wish you'd stuck to the 'short' part of the deal :)
    Just kidding...good idea and good first attempt at story-writing. Paavam Vinay!

    By Blogger RTD2, at 9:31 PM  

  • Dinesh,
    Good story.
    Engeyo kettaa maadhiri irukku aana, enge??

    By Blogger Prabhu, at 9:53 PM  

  • Dinesh- Good first attempt! :)
    ennoda comment konjam Grandma's [viji paatti! ;)] love cures madhri irukkum... poruthukko! :P
    I'm not judging anyone here, but just writing what I feel... Of course, i may be wrong. Though my sympathies are with Vinay, I can't help but feel that he had been blind and foolish enough to have overlooked the obvious... Maybe, he delibrately chose not to see what he didn't like.
    At the outset, he should have defined his relationship with Priya clearly, to her and to himself more importantly, instead of whining "back off, i like her" to Nari. This suggests that it was an insecure relationship, all along. What does "like" mean here? friendship? something more than that? love? Assumptions, hints won't take you anywhere; come to the point, Vinay ("enakkaga", "chellam" and all that sort of rot don't mean a thing, now that this generation is indiscriminately scattering them all over the place. Me thinks, they aren't special words anymore, one shouldn't read too much meaning into it).
    Priya is a typical case of "koozhukkum aasa, meesaikkum aasa". I'm not able to understand why Vinay keeps chasing her even after she treats him shabbily. I'm reiterating my point here... If she could be stolen, she's not worth the bother! I guess it's easier said than done!
    Ok, I'm shutting up now... sorry for the length of the comment!

    By Blogger Viji, at 11:01 PM  

  • RS - Thanks. Glad you could relate to it. Again, coming from a reknowned short story writer, these inputs are appreciated :)

    Zep - I guess, with a story like this, a lot of us can find something that remind us of our own pasts ! :)

    Subha - Thanks for your inputs (here and by e-mail). Is the explanation satisfactory ?

    By Blogger dinesh, at 5:47 AM  

  • Ashok la - Thanks. Experience a ? What are you talking about ? Muzhudhum karpanai !! :)

    PK - I had a feeling you'd relate to this. You didn't disappoint me. :)

    Moni - Thanks !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 5:48 AM  

  • Suganya - Thanks :). Yaaru nu theriyaama eppdi ? Neenga ille na indha kadhai vandhurukkuma enna ? :)

    RTD2 - Thanks ! If you look at it from one angle, paavam dhaan. Another angle says, he brought it on himself. It depends where you're watching it from :)

    Prabhu - Thanks !Indha blog pottapparam Vijay onkitte phone panni "Dinesh blog paathiysa, story ezhudhirukkaan, idhu dhaan kadhai" nu sollirpaan. Appdi kelvi patruppe !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 5:51 AM  

  • Viji,

    Please don't apologize for the length of the comment. I enjoyed it. A lot of what you say are true. He should have had a better feel for what's coming. And defining the relationship would have good for him.

    That being said, a lot of these relationships evolve and defining them clearly is not the easiest thing to do. You don't know at the start of any relationship where it will end, so it's hard to tag it right at the start. And as for Nari, I think somebody in his position, that understands that his room mate has feelings for somebody (it doesn't matter if those feelings were reciprocated), should make sure right at the start, that he doesn't get ivloved there. Afterall, there is not much to lose there for him. And yes, it was an insecure relationship. But a lot of secure relationships start out insecure in the beginning. If she's worth stolen, whe's not worth the bother is accurate ! Onakku theriyardhu, enakku theriyaradhu, avanukku therilaye appo ! :)

    Koozhukkum aasai, meesai kkum aasai was funny !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 6:24 AM  

  • Viji,

    I just noticed this in your "Maybe, he delibrately chose not to see what he didn't like"

    I think that explains what may have happened to him, the best. Sometimes, forgiveness happens out of a catch 22 situation. He didn't possibly know what else to do ! In the process, he cheated himself !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 1:59 PM  

  • summa sollakoodadhu, kadhai interesting na adhile vara characters a ellarum ishtathukku analyze panra vidham adai vida interesting:)

    By Blogger Prabu Karthik, at 8:12 AM  

  • Machi..Nalla matter..

    Ennoda twist or take..or watever..

    Imagine if this was a movie..Naan indha maadhiri konjam changes suggest pannuven...

    Priya will be a good singer not vinay...Romba Shy..Aaana Vinay request..panni..panni...Kidasiaya.
    ."Enakaaga kutti" 10 times kaeta apparum apparum...Priya sings ..Ennavalae or some song..after saying...."Idhellam naan yaarukkum pannudhu illa da Vinay...I feel wierd"

    That makes vinay feel great..and specal and wanted....

    Apparum your story as usual..NARI guy..etc.,...Vinay gets side tracked..he is confused...

    Climax :

    Waits for her call in the lab..doesnt get it..comes home..over hears Nari talking on the phone..but does not know who he is talking to..becomes tensed..Nari sees a shadow outside his door..shuts the door..Vinay gets more tensed..goes to his room..Throws his cell phone down...breaks it..in anger/tension/anxiety....Decide's to confront Priya..but has to call her..But realises he broke his phone...ohh sure there is the home phone (extension) in his room...He gets the phone to his ear..and is about to dial her number..No dial tone...he hears the sound of someone breathing .....continued by...

    Priya Singing the same song...and saying "Naan idhellam yaarukumae pannadhu illa da Nari ..I feel wierd"...

    Vinay hangs up..CUT !

    By Blogger Sayee, at 10:24 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Sayee, at 10:27 AM  

  • PK - Yeah...yaarukkum pozhudhu pogale pola irukku. Naan mattum dhaan vetti nu nenaichen. Podara mokkaya serndhu poduvom nu dhaan..:)

    Sayee - Super twist ! Nee plan panna maari oru padam edutheinna indha scene a nyabagam vechukko. Kuttiya, namma pera acknowledgement la potru appdiye ! :). Nammalum cinemala vandhom nu oru alpa sandhosham pattukka vendiyadhu dhaan !

    Your version is a little more active and would fit the screen better. Oru dramatic turn of events, as opposed to "namma thala vidhu avlo dhaan" nu him leaving. Her singing is also a little more realistic I guess..

    Here's an idea. Why don't you write a short story ? Or a cut-take short version of a short movie or part of it or something ?

    By Blogger dinesh, at 11:07 AM  

  • Actually ..Im looking for good short stories..or knots..

    I can improvise..but not come up with the whole story..Anyway..Keep writing..and let me know of anyone else interested in writing stuff like this....

    We can make a screenplay of that later..let me know !

    By Blogger Sayee, at 11:15 AM  

  • Sayee - I can think of 2 people when you say short stories.

    Ramya's short stories are great - padichu paaru. Don't know how well they'll fit in a screen though.

    whimsicalraconteur.blogspot.com

    PB's are good too. Might fit the screen better. He might have a few ideas as well. Talk to him.

    pbmuthukumar.blogspot.com

    And also, you must know that we started an effort to do a music recording. But adhu appdiye konja naala stalled. If this gets somewhere, maybe we can re-start that effort too !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 12:03 PM  

  • Dei,
    ipo thaan gavanikkaren - athu enna da villain pera Nari nu pottu irukka - as in tamizh "kulla nari".

    Sayee - liked ur twist in the story, as dinesh said would fit the bigger screen well

    By Blogger Prabhu, at 7:26 AM  

  • Prabhu,

    Adhu nari da, short for narayanan. Enakku appdi podi vechu ellam pesa theriyaadhu ! :)

    By Blogger dinesh, at 2:13 PM  

  • Dinesh ...
    oru vazhiya 25 comment thanditta...
    Enga un comments score unnoda cricket score madhir maridumonnu kavala patten... paravalla kalakitta.

    -vv

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:52 AM  

  • It's not the quantity of comments that count da. It's the quality.. ;)

    btw, naanum comments ennoda cricket score maari aaga dhaan wait pannindu irukken. Innum 3-4 montha ippadiye vittaa dhaan varum pola irukke :)

    By Blogger dinesh, at 6:11 AM  

  • Re-read this story one more time.
    Somehow I really feel sorry for Vinay. if at all he did something wrong - it was not saying his feelings aloud to Priya.
    But feelings sometimes could be subtle.
    Poor Vinay!

    By Blogger Prabhu, at 9:39 AM  

  • I second Prabhu...

    By Blogger Viji, at 8:27 PM  

  • hi dinesh. good first attempt at short stories. funny how people easily start relating to characters in the story :-). no offence meant. well here's my 2 paise worth with regard to ur attempt in writing a short story. a) the narration sounded more like a stage drama than a read. b)the characters were described well, but too much of repetition in characterstics. the "missing something" was there in almost every sentence related to priya. wish the narration was not author-oriented. the language was quite conversational. i mean if i knew u personally the entire reading wud have seemed like an across the table conversation. a little observation on practical stuff wud also make more interesting read. phone conversations are dialogues between 2 people, they seem a little odd as paragraphs, like reading non-detail in class 10. :-), and chat conversations have to be written a little realistically.... like "priya> oru paatu paaden da" etc etc... and not just P & V. a little humor, or a line which brings a smile to the lips wud do no harm. not a single line in the story which has a little humor inspite of both leading characters possessing a good sense of humor. one reason why i guess ppl started asking u if it was ur experience was bcos there was absolutely no backdrop to either the story or the characters. the locations of any part of the story was not described at all. its difficult to visualise the storyline without these, thats why i guess all the readers were stuck with priya and vinay alone. and yeah, the ennavale connection was just right!

    dinesh, ur post said comments will be appreciated :-), u asked for it! these are just my observations and is not aimed at discouraging u or me trying to be a know-it-all. its definitely nice for a first attempt and pls note that the above said is from someone who is an ardent lover of books but hasnt written anything remotely resembling a story. so i maybe completely wrong in my views. hope u take this in the right spirit.

    prabu kartik : sir, thappa nenaichikkadhinga. dineshoda first attempt nanna dhaan irukku. adhukku nu sujatha va izhuthirukka vendam neenga. :-), being a theevira rasigai of sujatha, konjam kashtama irundhudhu when u mentioned his name here. again no offence to u, dinesh. :-).

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:26 AM  

  • Prabhu - Ippo dhaan padikkire pola irukku ? Pona thadavai vitta comment oru style kku vita maari irukke ? :)

    Viji - Oru support thareengalaakkum ? :)

    Anon - I know there was no offence meant. So, none taken. Thanks for taking the time to read through the whole story, and taking the pains to let me know how you felt. Appreciated ! Also, I should tell you, that I am an amateur writer, who's just trying something different. That's all. I don't claim to be anything more. So you can expect all the mistakes one would from an amateur, average writer, who's taking a first shot at an average story.

    As for PK's reference to sujatha, I think he just meant that Sujatha would have possibly written a similar story line. I don't think any comparisons were drawn or deserved. Everybody knows that Sujatha is a superlative story writer. It's more like, when somebody hits a six on the street, we say "sachin maadhiri adiche da". But that's not to degrade sachin or to make the player think he can be compared to sachin. Here's what I take from your points.

    "but too much of repetition in characterstics. the "missing something" was there in almost every sentence related to priya" - I agree. I felt that myself later on. Not to make an excuse, but when I started writing this story, I was in a descriptive mode. What I felt from within, poured through as words. Not much thought was given to how a reader would have felt !

    "wish the narration was not author-oriented" - Don't understand what this meant.

    "the language was quite conversational" - I tried to keep it that way. It was intentional. Or, to put it better, I don't know if I can write it any other way.

    "a little observation on practical stuff wud also make more interesting read" - good observation. Will keep this in mind.

    "and chat conversations have to be written a little realistically.... like "priya> oru paatu paaden da" etc etc... and not just P & V." --- I don't agree that having it as P and V took anything away from the realistic part.

    "little humor inspite of both leading characters possessing a good sense of humor" - Good catch. That was a hole left unplugged. Will try to be more careful the next time.

    Yes, I should have done a better job with defining locations as well...

    To be honest, I don't know if I can plug all the holes like you bring up. A better writer will probably do a better job at paying more attention and making sures those holes don't crop up in the first place. I don't know if I can do that. I will try ! Thanks !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 11:04 AM  

  • Anon,

    And as for this "funny how people easily start relating to characters in the story "

    That's hard to say. Some people can. Some people can't. It's like questioning the human mind. At some levels we just start relating. It's not fair for somebody who could not relate to ask somebody who could "how could you relate to him/her" ! :)

    By Blogger dinesh, at 11:09 AM  

  • Dinesh,
    I think you could have let go of the introductory para's and gotten directly to the story. Introduce the traits as part of the story. tamil movie maari ellathayum engalukku sonna thaan puriyumnu ille :)

    In short stories, number of words is valuable. try to cut down.

    Good effort, overall.

    -Sriram

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:30 PM  

  • Sriram,

    Indha vishayatha neraya per sollitaanga. You are right. Like I said, I started out in a descriptive mode, and later the "action" took over. I did very little describing later on.

    Your advice is taken ! Thanks !

    By Blogger dinesh, at 6:02 AM  

  • dinesh,
    read it finally...very good one..

    my likes here:

    1. unga storyla priya charactera epdi venna paakalaam as per the state of mind of the reader..say if we r ditched in life, we would definitely look priya as somebody who cheated vinay..but if u are a rational person, we can even say that 10 day made priya realise that he is not her man..as u mentioned that he underplayed the differences and highlighted the similarities in their thoughts..

    2. ennavale touch was moving.

    3. some phrases really explained his state very well..awesome description of emotional component..

    4. youth crowd pulling story..

    some suggestions :
    1. can be shorter and need not explain certain things at length..though we get exactly what u want to say, sometimes, letting the readers understand characters by their dialogues would make it more appealing ..

    2.a at someplaces, the author (you) just becomes vinay itself and at some places he(you) tries to announce with a mike ' priya is not bad at all.. readers please dont assume..aanaa vinay paavam'..adhu koncham professional toucha kedukardhu..

    either u should stay away from vinay's charcter (emotional descriptionla romba stick pannika koodaadhu) w/o revealing -describing both of them unbiased.. or u should be like speaking only the emotional side of vinay - one side story..i dont know if i am clearly explaining what i mean..

    2.b at some places, the story is not again professional ..say when u say they got to know their basic stuffs (intro), its okay if u verballly say..may be in a story it has to be little more professional..

    overall, story samyaaa irundhadhu..starting intro vellam kuduthu yaar yaara iruppannu theriya koodadhunnu kozhapa try panna maari iruku :)- anyways,purpose is good but it made it lengthy..
    good work dinesh

    By Blogger Priya, at 8:40 PM  

  • Hi Dinesh, I'm a wannabe-writer, I've just read through your story. I thought it wasn't bad for a first attempt. I'd agree with most of the points others have raised, i.e., you could add a bit more humour, detail about the locations where the story is happening, etc.
    I'd also suggest one more thing, don't know if you'll agree with this, but I felt that the Priya character was painted in negative colours at the end, i.e., she "ditched" Vinay for Nari, I think the story would have been even better if you had shown Vinay in similar colours, i.e., instead of showing him to be a nice guy who got cheated, you could have given him a few negative qualities too, just so all the characters in the story seem to be even. That's just my opinion.

    Regards,
    Kalai Rasigan.

    By Anonymous Kalai Rasigan, at 2:43 AM  

  • Priya,

    Thanks for your detailed comment !

    "unga storyla priya charactera epdi venna paakalaam as per the state of mind of the reader"

    Correct - I wanted that to be that way. I never wanted to bias the reader one way or the other.

    As for having more dialogues to describe the scene better, I agree and will def. ly keep that in mind for the next time.

    As for the author being vinay and assuming vinay's role at the end, your point is taken. But I want to explain to you that, the idea at the end of the story is to only assume one side of the story. It was intentional. Priya's side, I want the reader to make their own guesses.

    Length and professionalism improve pannanum. Agreed !

    Thanks !!

    By Blogger dinesh, at 11:09 AM  

  • Kalai rasigan,

    Thanks ! Your points are taken. Especially those with humor, locations etc. I wrote it in a flow and didn't pay much attention to a lot of those. I hope to do a better job the next time around.

    As for painting a negative picture about priya, there was no intention of doing that. The end part was focussed on what happened to vinay and how he felt. What priya did was right or wrong nu naan edhuvume sollalaye ! Avalaala dhaan idhu vandhudhu nnum sollale ! It was only about how vinay felt.

    And as for you being a wannabe writer, I saw your plot on ramya's blog comments. I told her, that maybe you should try to use that yourself. It was a good plot.

    By Blogger dinesh, at 11:15 AM  

  • Never thought this story would have such an end.
    Wasn't very comfortable with the end but that shows that you are a good writer, cause' you have made me get really involved with the story.

    By Blogger Admirable Existence, at 10:32 AM  

  • Admirable existence,

    Saw your comment late. Thanks for your comment. Glad to hear the story had you interested.

    I believe, the sad stories, have you more occupied than the happier ones ! They have a better sense of reality...like they say, failure makes for a better story ! :)

    By Blogger dinesh, at 1:17 PM  

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